Marty Pearl, Courier Journal via AP
Bekah Bischoff plays Pictionary Man with her children, Henry and Ady, on Feb. 8, 2018 in Louisville, Ky.
One of the hardest things as parents is feeling helpless when we know our child has to come in contact with another adult who might not take care of them as you would like them to, that you don’t treat them the best or that are just not the best influence. You might run into a situation like this, for example: You may be divorced and your child may spend weekends with their other parent. You might feel concerned about the time your child will spend with them. And maybe you wonder what you can do to help your child feel strong, loved and protected.
In our latest episode on the Everyday Strong Podcast, we talked to Kelli Stout, a therapist at the Children’s Justice Center in downtown Provo, where she supports survivors of child abuse. In this episode, she gives us ideas on making our home a haven, on validating our child’s right to their safety and on what’s most important to do in our relationship with our children.
The first thing to know is that it is normal to become protective and nervous in this kind of situation where another adult might not be acting as we would like them to around our children. She also explained how we often can’t control what other people think, do, or feel — we can only control ourselves. Putting our energy into our relationship with our children is the best work we can do.
It is still essential to try not to hurt the relationship our children have the other adults in their lives. With this being said, we still can teach our kids to set boundaries, not only in this situation but with everyone. We are used to teaching our kids about being obedient to what adults say. Even when that is a good thing, we can also teach them that it is ok to express when someone else is doing something that makes them feel uncomfortable, upset, or sad.
To help our kids feel comfortable expressing themselves and setting boundaries, we can start practicing at home by letting them know they’re in a safe place to do so — one where they will be heard. A way to do this is by making space in our lives for moments when kids know they can talk openly with us.
For example, while you are in the car going to or coming from the school, you can create a tradition where you get ice cream and talk with them. You don’t always have to talk about serious things. Most of the time, you will probably talk about simple things like how their day went.
When you start having these interactions with your kids, you will be more connected to them. You will see their confidence increase. Their ability to set boundaries and express themselves will improve. They will notice how, when things or relationships in their lives might not be ideal, they have you. They have someone that makes them feel safe, that teaches them there is something better and they deserve it.